Twilight... Why??

I now completely understand why all those crazy people are always complaining about the hype surrounding Harry Potter.

I agree that the books aren't as well written as books of that popularity ought to be; but then the main stream isn't exactly known for rooting for the smart horse (Kevin 07, anyone?).

But the fact is they were good stories. Harry Potter is a good story.

Twilight makes me want to shoot myself.

It has a perfect combination of dreadful prosody, ill-formed characters, an unengaging narrative (in those rare moments when it has any narrative at all), and a morally outrageous anti-feminism that only a Mormon housewife could appreciate.

Naturally, this combination of shit has rocketted Twilight to the best seller list.

The novel features star-crossed lovers Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Edward is a vampire, a tragically immortal anti-hero who is the perfect lover because of his amazing sensitivity. That's also the reason that he has renounced drinking the blood of humans.

Plus he's shiny!

Bella is plain, yet irresistible to the shiny man who can smell her coming a mile off and has to control the urge to nibble a little too hard on her neck. The two fall in love, though they get a whole lot of shit for it by the time the book ends.

Now, I'd argue - strenuously - that there was never going to be a good book made from that storyline. Ever. The reason that the narrative falls apart so spectacularly has a name: Bella Swan.

Frankly, her only possible worth as a narrative construct is that she provides a convenient hook for romantic teenage girls to hang all of their own myopic notions of love on - certainly, with so little personality to call her own, Bella practically demands that the reader pour a bit of themselves into her, just so that she can actually resemble a human being enough to keep the plot functioning.

The character’s entire purpose is to keep a running monologue of how cute her undead boyfriend is.

The other reason the narrative falls apart is named Edward Cullen.

The cult following to this character truly astounds me.

If I happen to say one word against Edward Cullen in front of any girl under 19, I might as well stick my head in a bear trap and be done with it.

I was tempted to do that several times while I was reading about him.

It’s hard to connect with a narrative when you want to slap the heroine into some personality and you don’t care at all about the hero because he’s too perfect to make you feel for him.

That’s the problem in a nut shell. Edward Cullen is perfect. His only flaw is the rabid protectiveness he feels for Bella and that lengths he’ll go to for her well-being. He smothers her so badly that what little personality she had at the beginning has worn away – leaving only a servile deference to her darling Edward.

Bella’s swoon into helplessness is Twilight’s bitterest aftertaste. The heroine becomes obsessed with surrender and submission to a man constantly tempted to kill her. It defangs the story’s romantic tension because, by the end, Bella’s so passive there seems no blood left in her for anyone to drain.

Is that what we want young girls to learn? That if you’re patient and move to the right town, you’ll find a man who’s polite and sweet, will use his super speed to open doors for you and play you romantic music with his hundred year old hands?

Sorry honey, but I doubt it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are good men out there. But all this novel does is set up unrealistic expectations of a character that’s too good and noble to sympathise with. It would have been a lot more interesting if he had just one flaw. Anything! Drinking out of the carton, farting in bed – I don’t care! Give me something to take that wanker down a peg or two!

I preferred the angsty werewolf for a while – till he imprinted on an infant. Now he’s just a dirty old man.

The book only manages to engage girls who can’t appreciate natural flaws.

They seek perfection in everything – their own low self-esteem is projected onto Bella (because she’s useless to the narrative otherwise) who isn’t the most beautiful girl, but still manages to make a man with God-like washboard abs fall in love with her.

It will probably be very painful for those poor girls to come down from the clouds and learn the hard way that life – whatever Stephanie Myer may have you believe – is not perfect and never can be.